Megan's Head

A place where Megan gets off her head.

An open letter to my friend and ally Brett Anderson

Dearest Brett

I thought of you today. It was a constant thought that ran parallel to my most extraordinary experience, and so I am writing to you, and for everybody else to see.

I’ll start with the facts; with what happened, and then I will tell you what it has done and how I feel.

I went to the periodontist’s hygienist today for my regular teeth cleaning. I go every five months because I am prone to gum disease. It is the one area of my health I am vigilant about. Life is weird. I have a good relationship with her; she chats to me a lot while she scrapes the plaque and tartar off my teeth. I have heard all about her kids and their lovelinesses and she knows I have a niece of a similar age to her daughter. I like her very much, this young, hard working, serious, kind hearted, sensitive, religious, intelligent, white, Afrikaans woman.

Today the conversation swung in the direction of the student protests and she sighed out how disappointed she was in the violence and burning that to her mind was so counter productive and inappropriate. I hesitated for one tiny moment before deciding what to do, and then, I breathed in (it helped that her fingers were in my mouth, which gave me that extra nano-second of refection) and asked for her permission to hear my radical point of view. She said yes and I started explaining.

At first her responses were lots of ‘yes but’s and I persisted. She told me how hard she and her husband had worked for what they have. She told me how her 25 year old brother, who has a degree, is discriminated against and can’t get a job. She told me about her mother who had grown up with absolutely nothing in an orphanage. And there was my way in. I said, “When your mother was in an orphanage there were only white children in the orphanage.” She stopped and said firmly, “Yes, poor white children.” And all I said was, “there were no orphanages for black children then.” Her mouth opened. A tiny penny dropped. I took the gap and changed the subject. I asked her how many cars her family of four owned. She said two. Basically, a car per adult in the family. And then I told her how she was in the less than one percent of the richest people in the world, who owned their own car. I told her about the many millions of people in the world who would never ride in a private car in their lives. And her brain clicked. I saw it happen.

She bravely held back and stopped her white tears. She thanked me. She thanked me for talking to her. She told me she would never, ever see the world in the same light again. She confessed how naive she had been, how insular, how shortsighted. She thanked me, and I received her thanks.

I spoke to one white person today who utterly, totally heard something for the very first time ever, and she will never ever unthink those thoughts. And I am so excited and moved and inspired. Oh yes. It can be done. One person at a time. One engagement at a time. One white person at a time.

So, Brett, I thought of you, and how you do things, and what you hope for, and how usually I am the one with zero patience or tolerance, and today I must have channeled you, and it worked.

I am not reformed. White people’s ignorance of their own privilege pisses me off beyond explaining, but something tiny happened today, in the right direction and it is as teeny as the furthest star, but it is a shining light.

PS. I just thought you should know.

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4 Comments

  1. Sho. Might be dropping some white fragile tears of my own here. Thank you. My wife thought “Megan channeling you?” was quite fun cos I hadn’t read this yet and she made me read it aloud to her which I mostly managed.

    Also I had brunch with “Bob” of all people yesterday who is visiting from the U.K. and is another living example of that shift…

    Both of these stories give me courage to move towards the next one…

    Love Brett fish

  2. coleen van staden

    Hi Megs
    I don’t think you realise the impact you and others have when you challenge conventional “white” thinking! I am one of those who has experienced many a penny dropping moment through discussions with you and your blogs and FB posts and articles. I am working very hard to change some entrenched perceptions I have and I can feel a shift and I rejoice and am frightened all at the same time!

  3. Thank you for that affirmation Coleen.

  4. Jaqueline Dommisse

    Thanks Megs,

    When confronted with ignorance about white privilege, my response is usually exasperated anger and what you describe as ‘zero patience or tolerance’ of the self-interest and stupidity I judge it to be. You’ve reminded me that anger polarises and gentle, rational conversation can, sometimes, shift hearts and minds.

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