So here’s one of the things I have discovered. I had a great idea for this blog post. I was going to start a series of posts reflecting back on my year, but then I needed to walk the dogs. I was in a fog and didn’t even see a car before crossing the road. We all got a fright. Luckily it was a kind and empathetic female driver. She saw my state of unravel even behind my mask. While I walked I had a million creative ideas about how to start this post, what I would unpack, in order of importance, and how I would construct the series.
Of course, I got home, fed the dogs, took a call, got distracted by some news on social media that made me jealous and frustrated, sat down in front of the screen and could not for the life of me remember what I had intended to say in the first place.
Welcome to my year of good intentioned, totally dysfunctional rambling thoughts and feelings, multiplied by COVID, times by personal loss and mess, with the addition of no real career possibilities, subtracted by fear, refracted by insomnia, sidetracked by the quiet release of my first children’s book, heightened by isolation, punched in the gut by the loss of opportunity, prodded by what I saw this weekend, questioned by my political opinions, and strangled by a malaise that could be my age, but probably really isn’t.
That is not to say there haven’t been some diamonds in the dirt (although I have never understood the attraction of those hard, pretty, useless stones). I have shot a movie, written 15 short stories, published a children’s book, changed habits, cooked creatively (more in the beginning of lockdown than now), kept commitments, enjoyed international Zoom contact, rediscovered favourite walking spots, spent virtually nothing on petrol, and connected with some old friends in a profound way.
It is the middle of September. I don’t even know how to think about that beyond the fact that we are mostly through winter.
I have so much to do, change, remember, refocus on. But this space, for the next little while will be the beginning of reflection, if I can remember.