I have just climbed out of the shower, and while my hair, face, body and even feet are tingling all over, my head is full, of all the bullshit that is said, written and advertised about so-called beauty products. What utter drivel. And now things have gone way overboard.

I have just had my hair ‘gently cleansed’ by my shampoo. Why does it have to gently ‘cleanse’? Why can’t it just clean? My conditioner (because godforbid you should wash your hairs and not ‘condition’ the little things afterwards) replenishes. What is it replenishing? And it can perform the miracle of moisturization. When did moisturize become moisturization? Whatthehell is moisturization? Even spell check hates it! And there are four hundred words and variations on words for wetting and re-wetting my body parts. Hydrating. Rehydrating. Misting. Refreshing. My shower gel has reconditioning properties. I am not a car!

I step out of the shower and have to treat my face with Nivea’s Visage range. Visage. French for face. The toner has Bioxilift (Isweartogod) and Hyaluranic (Isweartogod!) acid. The night cream (which I have to use during the day because I can’t be asked to have two expensive varieties of the identical, expensive CREAM forgodsake!) has├é┬áregenerating (what am I regrowing here?) properties.

But what topped it all today was my goddamn deodorant. Aside from the fact that it has rosemary and aloe vera that “helps rejuvenate and soothe”, “offers 24hr protection from odour and wetness” and is dermatologically approved (WTF???) it also has a “body responsive formulation”. I am nervous. It has never happened before but, who knows? Today could be the day that my “body” will in some way have a “response” to my goddamn, miserable, R17.99 special, stinky, bullshit deodorant that it is probably totally unnecessary to wear anyway.

Wait. Before I do anything else let me put on some damn hand cream that offers “protection from environmental conditions”. I. Kid. You. Not.